Love Unexpected, Especially during Breast Cancer Reconstruction.....

 Before I begin this post, I want to clarify a couple of things. This is in no way meant to take anything away from Sean or what we had together. I think he is an amazing man and an incredible father to our children. He will always have a special place in my heart. Also, I know that everyone who is lucky enough to fall in love, thinks that their love story is the greatest. I am no different. Falling in love at 37, during breast cancer reconstruction still seems surreal to me. This is just another page of my journey. And I am choosing to share it. If you choose to read it , then please continue.

   July 30, 2010. And if you ask Gabe he will say July 30, 2010 at 10:33 p.m. Most people gauge time in either weeks, months, seasons, holidays, etc. especially when we have school aged children.  I use to do the same. Having breast cancer and numerous surgeries changed my concept of time. I began to gauge time in 2 week increments and 3 month increments due to my procedures. I even measured time by days. Every day that I woke up in pain, I would pray for the day to go by quickly so I could wake up the next day hoping the pain had eased. Love made me start gauging time by the hour, then half hour, & minutes.........If you ever want time to fly by, just fall in love. It's a guarantee!

  Thinking back  to that night in July, I remember thinking that if he didn't make the first move, I would. I am a very outgoing person and I have no problems meeting people. But then I thought, oh no I can't!  I had no plans on being out that night. Diane and I were going to an event at a local pub and we were only suppose to be there for a couple of hours. Several hours later , I am out in a tube top, jeans, flip flops, pony tail, and not hardly a stitch of make up on my face. Not to mention, Diane and I had been in the Springs all day and I needed a shower. I was certainly not looking my best or close to it. To top it all off, I was healing from surgery #2. I had the implant surgery just a few weeks prior and while I seemingly looked like I was healthy & "normal" , I  wasn't. But there was something happening that night. I sensed it. After 3 minutes of conversation with him, I wanted to know all he was willing to share with me. After 3 hours, I knew I would be spending alot of time with him. 

  Make no mistake, just because I had been through hell and back recently, I was not vulernable when I met him. I was very happy with my life  and for the first time in my adult life, I was happy being single. I was also beginning to accept the "battle wounds" from breast cancer and look at them as proof of being a survivor. Without doubt, I  truly  know that I am a Warrior Princess.

 Without knowing his character, I was afraid of scaring him away that first night. I mean afterall, who would want to get involved with someone who had just gone through cancer, all of the complications, and future surgeries? He made it very clear from the beginning that he was interested and if he was scared.......I never saw it.  He always focuses on the positive.

 Two weeks after meeting Gabe, it was my birthday weekend. I had spent Friday the 13th at the Stanley Hotel with my girls and had plans that Saturday night to meet up with girlfriends. I told him he was welcome to meet up with us. I can not remember the last time I was that nervous. He felt "familiar" to me even from the first night yet he also made me nervous. I didn't understand it at all. I don't get nervous.The anticipation I felt waiting for him to get there is hard to put into the right words. 7 months later, the anticipation is even greater......because I love him.  So Saturday night comes, I'm meeting my girlfriends for dinner & drinks and he was joining us because A. our plans were already made when I met him and B. I already knew I liked him that much and I wanted Carolyn and Lola's take on him. They approved  ;-)  And C. Did I mention he made me nervous?

   August 14, 2010 was a turning point for me in my life. He made me forget I was healing from  surgery and still waiting for the next surgery to take place. He unknowingly made me forget.......in an instant.

  The other morning Gabe says to me that I make him so happy and that he didn't even know he was unhappy to begin with. After all, he was happy being single as well. We really were not looking. We both just kind of showed up in the other person's world.

  7 months later, I still can't believe he is in my life. When he looks at me he takes my breath away just like he did in the very beginning. Meeting him has taught me so much about unconditional love. Being a mom, of course I love my kids unconditionally. This is different. Loving ourselves unconditionally is a hard thing to do I think. He has shown me that I am worth it though, right now......in this moment.....scars & all.
 And I love him unconditionally. I don't know that I understood this concept until now (unless it referred to my children or family) . I know that none of us are perfect and that sometimes we don't always make the best choices when using our words. I have prayed every single day since I met him for God to guide my path with him.  My words........my thoughts.....and my actions. Not only to protect me or my girls , but also to protect him.  He is worth it! He is a huge blessing in my life and such an amazing, unexpected gift. My life path hasn't been very easy so far but his hasn't either. I would spend the rest of my life appreciating him and loving him if given the opportunity.

   So for the past few months, I have been healing from surgery #3, selling new homes, being a mom, trying to find a balance, and falling in love.....and when doubt does creep into my thoughts, I always keep it to myself but am always reassured by the way he says "but you made it"  or "I'm so glad you're here."  I'm very grateful that I'm here too. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

 So to Gabe I say thank you for "showing up" in my world. Thank you for always reminding me that I am worth it.

Love always,

Your Beautiful Belle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH6tXZxFaWA

How It All Began...

 With my mom and my stepdad Thomas in May 2010. I got to go home for a visit 3 weeks before my 2nd surgery.



3 weeks before tissue expanders came out, May 2010







Me with my daughters Heaven and Gabby 4 weeks after my double matectomy with tissue expanders in place.December 2009 




Me with Diane. She took me into her home and became my nurse 24/7.

The doctor looked at me and said, “You don’t look sick.” She then proceeded to tell me come back in 3 to 4 months but if I notice any other changes beside the obvious lump...I only heard part of what she said because my intuition was screaming at me(I do have a family history) . True, I was the picture of fitness and health but the lump was there so why did the mammogram and ultrasound miss it? Maybe the doctor was right. My intuition said she was not. I turned around and told her I wasn’t comfortable with her decision and asked her to refer me to a surgeon who could order an MRI. She was very short with me and told me it could take up to a month to get an appointment. I took the surgeon’s card from her reluctant hand and called his office from her parking lot. I had an appointment the very next day. Two days after that first appointment, I had an MRI at 8 am and by noon, the hospital was calling. I knew I was right.
Within a matter of 4 days, I went from “come back in 3 to 4 months” to we need to schedule a radical double mastectomy within the next few weeks. I live over 1200 miles from all of my family. I am a single mom working in sales who had just gone through a divorce. How was I going to get through this and work and raise my girls? It was never easy. If I’m to be totally honest, it was aweful. During my ordeal, I went from 128 lbs down to 92 lbs. I was in and out of the doctor’s offices 4 days a week due to my INR levels being all over the place, had infections from the tissue expanders, my skin looked grey, my voice was weak yet still I went to work and put my best foot forward. There were many mornings I would show up for our sales meetings after spending the night in the ER. I must also mention here, it is no fun sleeping in the sitting up position for 5 months! Someone told me just the other day; I made it look so easy. I only made it seem easy because I have daughters, 10 and 15 , who watched my every move and felt my every thought even when I didn’t want to be seen by anyone in the world. I didn’t want them to ever feel “defined” by cancer let alone breast cancer.
The 4 days prior to October 22, 2009 I went in for a mammogram because I felt a lump in my left breast. The mammogram revealed nothing. I also had several ultrasounds that same day and they still couldn’t get the mass to show up. I found out later it was because of where the tumor sat. I also found out if I would have waited 3 to 4 months, my prognosis wouldn’t have been good. The machines were pushing it out of the way. December 1, 2009, I had a double radical mastectomy. Mentally, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I had many days leading up to the surgery and the first few days after surgery where I prayed and asked God to please just let me die. That all changed for me on December 7th. I was readmitted to the hospital with PE’s in my lungs and I learned that day I wasn’t ready to die and I remember laying in the hospital bed feeling like I was in the fight for my life. That day was a wakeup call for me. I needed the wake up call. I would look in the mirror and cry because I didn’t recognize the girl looking back anymore. It was in that moment that I realized it is whatever it takes to live and raise my girls and I was thankful that I didn’t have to go through chemo. It was in that moment that I realized I am still a vibrant beautiful woman who just happens to be missing her breasts in order to live. I quit feeling sorry for myself that day. The months following were hard on me physically and at times, mentally. I lost a relationship due to the circumstances. The only thing that did for me was give me strength in the end. I gained a few new friendships and relationships during my process that have strengthened my heart giving me the power to push through the days that are bad.
I am 5 weeks post op from surgery #2. Implants. Implants without eyes ;-) I am still healing physically and emotionally. I started working out and training again 2 weeks ago. The biggest lesson for that original doctor was, I didn’t look sick but I was. I will never question my intuition ever again. And I will tell my entire story to anyone who will listen. I shared my story with a lady 3 weeks after my diagnosis. She called me 2 weeks after my mastectomy to tell me she listened to every word I told her. She did exactly what I suggested to her and her left breast was in fact stage 4 that was revealed by a core biopsy. She had her double mastectomy 5 weeks after I had mine and I am happy to report, she is going to be fine. She will finish chemo soon and start the reconstruction process. She and I are forever friends! She originally came into my sales office to buy a house from me and she says instead, I gave her a second chance at life. That’s an immeasurable compliment. I am truly grateful for the ride regardless of the circumstances. Before this process, I only appeared to be this beautiful, confident woman. I have truly come through it knowing I am for the first time in my 36 years.

Waiting for New Headlights ;-)

“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.”



Emil Ludwig quote

This is one of my favorite quotes. We live in such a casual society in the year 2010 , but that hasn’t always been the case. None of us are perfect, I’m sure most of us have had a few ‘casual’ experiences once or twice in our lifetime. It’s all part of the growing process I think. However, I am now very careful who I let into my life, casual or not.



Sometimes in life, the Universe has a way of giving us a gift at just the right moment in our lives, even when we aren’t expecting it and especially when we aren’t looking for it. I think people tend to worry about if it’s going to be theirs for a short time or whether or not it’s a gift for keeps ….when we should just be savoring the moment , taking each day as it comes, appreciating the gift.






Breast cancer has a way of making even the prettiest girl feel like the ugly duckling. If she is a very good actress, she can hide this from anyone in the world. I no longer feel ugly, just incomplete. Being known as “a cute girl” has always had its perks throughout life ; there are also disadvantages. When it’s your looks that normally draw people in first, breast cancer for me feels like a repeated slap in the face. Being single & attractive and going through breast cancer taught me a lot about what I really wanted people to not only see, but also appreciate. Most guys I meet out there are only interested in the surface, the surface that appears normal when I am fully clothed. How will they handle the underneath, the scarring that left permanent physical and emotional damage? I am more afraid of freaking someone else out by the sight of my chest right now rather than how it would make me feel for someone else to see it. Personally, it’s still very hard for me to look at yet somehow, I also feel beautiful and sensual and deserving………



I know I appear very confident & strong; for the most part, I am. I also think there’s a part in all of us though that has the desire to be wanted, longed for. Breast cancer almost made me vulnerable. I say almost because through some of my weakest moments, I truly realized for the first time in my life I wanted to meet someone who could see beyond the pretty face and petite figure. I wanted to meet someone who could hold my interest for longer than 10 minutes, someone who asked questions……..someone who  wants to peel off all of the surface layers and see what’s underneath and appreciate it. Beauty really is more than skin deep.


I no longer surround myself with anyone who seems like a “compromise”. Being single and going through my ordeal created many doubts in my mind and there were/are so many what ifs……some of the what ifs have fallen away recently and I will be forever grateful…..I have learned in the past month that if a gift is dropped into my life, there are no what ifs…..it just is.

 I am truly grateful and I am savoring the moment.




Stronger due to wiping away my own tears,






LeAnna

Ebb & Flow........

Turning 37 a little over a week ago was truly a blessing for me. I remember thinking a few months back, I'd be lucky to make it to August 13th........but as usual, I made it! I was so sick and every time I imagined not getting through it, I also imagined someone else stepping in to raise my girls. As I write this, the tears flow....Every single time I had that thought, I could physically feel  a new surge of rage well up inside of me that was so intense it renewed not only my emotional strength but my physical strength as well. I knew I could somehow fight through one more day of Hell on Earth. I fought the hardest on the days I felt like throwing in the towel.


I remember waking up one morning, dreading the day. It was 2 days after having my tissue expanders filled, a procedure I had done every 2 weeks for 4 months. The pain that tissue expanders create is indescribable. The pain was intense. Somehow that day I got out of bed and managed to get the kids to school. I went to work , picked the kids up , dinner, homework, baths, laundry, etc.......not to mention, my drive on that kind of day was typically 100 miles round trip. I was usually so tired and weak from the pain by the end of the day I can remember picking the kids up many times and trying not let them see the tears fall on the drive home. Once home, I was always so tired and weak that my 15 year old had to take over. Not only was she in charge of dinner, dishes, laundry, etc.......she also had the burden of her homework load (she is in advanced classes) and she helped her little sister with her homework. While juggling this load, she would have to stop to help me dress, undress, she made sure she made my plate and brought it to me so that I would be able to eat (I was often so weak I couldn't stand up long enough by the end of the day to do such simple tasks). As a mom, I felt like a complete failure.


There aren't enough words to express the gratitude and love I have for my oldest daughter, Heaven Leigh. I named her appropriately. She took better care of me than any capable adult could have. And she never complained about it.........I am eternally grateful to her and at the same time....I feel guilty. She grew up right before my eyes during my illness......because she had to. She is now 16 and such an old soul who commands respect from others just from being a gentle, giving person. I can't take all of the credit here although I would certainly like to.


My youngest daughter Gabrielle, is 10 now. Sometimes, I think she's an 80 year old woman trapped in that 10 year old body. Gabby is so in tune with me she always could tell if it was a good day or a bad day just by looking at me. I'll never forget the day we were in Target. We had just walked into the store and she was holding my hand and as she held it, she picked it up to "inspect" it. She was paying close attention to me that day. As she look at my hand, she says my blood looks too thinned out. I asked her what made her think that. She looked at me like I was crazy and said because Mom, I can see through your skin and she proceeds to explain to me in detail what it is she is seeing. (she is the artist in the family and has an eagle's eye for detail)
She didn't know it at the time but I had been to the doctor earlier that day to have my INR levels checked. My blood was so thinned out that day the doctor was recommending that I be hospitalized for a day or so to get my levels stable. Their dad was out of town at the time so that was completely out of the question.


As a result of the double mastectomy, I had pulmonary embolisms. Due to having a very fast metabolism, they never could get my INR levels perfect for very long. Gabby's comment that day would save my life, 3 other times before my ordeal was to be over.


As a mom, this mother's heart holds so much love for her girls! I can love them and take care of them because I am their mom but for everything else they represent and the character they have both shown, there is no way to repay them. All I can do is love them and be there for them....always. They are both huge blessings in my life and they make me proud. To watch your young children show compassion and to see their concern in their eyes even when they were silent.......I knew I must be doing something right and I knew I had to stick around to witness what amazing , strong women they will become.


This is only the beginning. My entire story will be told. Healing on the inside one day at a time.........


Cancer Free,


LeAnna