Ebb & Flow........

Turning 37 a little over a week ago was truly a blessing for me. I remember thinking a few months back, I'd be lucky to make it to August 13th........but as usual, I made it! I was so sick and every time I imagined not getting through it, I also imagined someone else stepping in to raise my girls. As I write this, the tears flow....Every single time I had that thought, I could physically feel  a new surge of rage well up inside of me that was so intense it renewed not only my emotional strength but my physical strength as well. I knew I could somehow fight through one more day of Hell on Earth. I fought the hardest on the days I felt like throwing in the towel.


I remember waking up one morning, dreading the day. It was 2 days after having my tissue expanders filled, a procedure I had done every 2 weeks for 4 months. The pain that tissue expanders create is indescribable. The pain was intense. Somehow that day I got out of bed and managed to get the kids to school. I went to work , picked the kids up , dinner, homework, baths, laundry, etc.......not to mention, my drive on that kind of day was typically 100 miles round trip. I was usually so tired and weak from the pain by the end of the day I can remember picking the kids up many times and trying not let them see the tears fall on the drive home. Once home, I was always so tired and weak that my 15 year old had to take over. Not only was she in charge of dinner, dishes, laundry, etc.......she also had the burden of her homework load (she is in advanced classes) and she helped her little sister with her homework. While juggling this load, she would have to stop to help me dress, undress, she made sure she made my plate and brought it to me so that I would be able to eat (I was often so weak I couldn't stand up long enough by the end of the day to do such simple tasks). As a mom, I felt like a complete failure.


There aren't enough words to express the gratitude and love I have for my oldest daughter, Heaven Leigh. I named her appropriately. She took better care of me than any capable adult could have. And she never complained about it.........I am eternally grateful to her and at the same time....I feel guilty. She grew up right before my eyes during my illness......because she had to. She is now 16 and such an old soul who commands respect from others just from being a gentle, giving person. I can't take all of the credit here although I would certainly like to.


My youngest daughter Gabrielle, is 10 now. Sometimes, I think she's an 80 year old woman trapped in that 10 year old body. Gabby is so in tune with me she always could tell if it was a good day or a bad day just by looking at me. I'll never forget the day we were in Target. We had just walked into the store and she was holding my hand and as she held it, she picked it up to "inspect" it. She was paying close attention to me that day. As she look at my hand, she says my blood looks too thinned out. I asked her what made her think that. She looked at me like I was crazy and said because Mom, I can see through your skin and she proceeds to explain to me in detail what it is she is seeing. (she is the artist in the family and has an eagle's eye for detail)
She didn't know it at the time but I had been to the doctor earlier that day to have my INR levels checked. My blood was so thinned out that day the doctor was recommending that I be hospitalized for a day or so to get my levels stable. Their dad was out of town at the time so that was completely out of the question.


As a result of the double mastectomy, I had pulmonary embolisms. Due to having a very fast metabolism, they never could get my INR levels perfect for very long. Gabby's comment that day would save my life, 3 other times before my ordeal was to be over.


As a mom, this mother's heart holds so much love for her girls! I can love them and take care of them because I am their mom but for everything else they represent and the character they have both shown, there is no way to repay them. All I can do is love them and be there for them....always. They are both huge blessings in my life and they make me proud. To watch your young children show compassion and to see their concern in their eyes even when they were silent.......I knew I must be doing something right and I knew I had to stick around to witness what amazing , strong women they will become.


This is only the beginning. My entire story will be told. Healing on the inside one day at a time.........


Cancer Free,


LeAnna