 |
| With my mom and my stepdad Thomas in May 2010. I got to go home for a visit 3 weeks before my 2nd surgery. |
 |
| 3 weeks before tissue expanders came out, May 2010 |
The doctor looked at me and said, “You don’t look sick.” She then proceeded to tell me come back in 3 to 4 months but if I notice any other changes beside the obvious lump...I only heard part of what she said because my intuition was screaming at me(I do have a family history) . True, I was the picture of fitness and health but the lump was there so why did the mammogram and ultrasound miss it? Maybe the doctor was right. My intuition said she was not. I turned around and told her I wasn’t comfortable with her decision and asked her to refer me to a surgeon who could order an MRI. She was very short with me and told me it could take up to a month to get an appointment. I took the surgeon’s card from her reluctant hand and called his office from her parking lot. I had an appointment the very next day. Two days after that first appointment, I had an MRI at 8 am and by noon, the hospital was calling. I knew I was right.
Within a matter of 4 days, I went from “come back in 3 to 4 months” to we need to schedule a radical double mastectomy within the next few weeks. I live over 1200 miles from all of my family. I am a single mom working in sales who had just gone through a divorce. How was I going to get through this and work and raise my girls? It was never easy. If I’m to be totally honest, it was aweful. During my ordeal, I went from 128 lbs down to 92 lbs. I was in and out of the doctor’s offices 4 days a week due to my INR levels being all over the place, had infections from the tissue expanders, my skin looked grey, my voice was weak yet still I went to work and put my best foot forward. There were many mornings I would show up for our sales meetings after spending the night in the ER. I must also mention here, it is no fun sleeping in the sitting up position for 5 months! Someone told me just the other day; I made it look so easy. I only made it seem easy because I have daughters, 10 and 15 , who watched my every move and felt my every thought even when I didn’t want to be seen by anyone in the world. I didn’t want them to ever feel “defined” by cancer let alone breast cancer.
The 4 days prior to October 22, 2009 I went in for a mammogram because I felt a lump in my left breast. The mammogram revealed nothing. I also had several ultrasounds that same day and they still couldn’t get the mass to show up. I found out later it was because of where the tumor sat. I also found out if I would have waited 3 to 4 months, my prognosis wouldn’t have been good. The machines were pushing it out of the way. December 1, 2009, I had a double radical mastectomy. Mentally, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I had many days leading up to the surgery and the first few days after surgery where I prayed and asked God to please just let me die. That all changed for me on December 7th. I was readmitted to the hospital with PE’s in my lungs and I learned that day I wasn’t ready to die and I remember laying in the hospital bed feeling like I was in the fight for my life. That day was a wakeup call for me. I needed the wake up call. I would look in the mirror and cry because I didn’t recognize the girl looking back anymore. It was in that moment that I realized it is whatever it takes to live and raise my girls and I was thankful that I didn’t have to go through chemo. It was in that moment that I realized I am still a vibrant beautiful woman who just happens to be missing her breasts in order to live. I quit feeling sorry for myself that day. The months following were hard on me physically and at times, mentally. I lost a relationship due to the circumstances. The only thing that did for me was give me strength in the end. I gained a few new friendships and relationships during my process that have strengthened my heart giving me the power to push through the days that are bad.
I am 5 weeks post op from surgery #2. Implants. Implants without eyes ;-) I am still healing physically and emotionally. I started working out and training again 2 weeks ago. The biggest lesson for that original doctor was, I didn’t look sick but I was. I will never question my intuition ever again. And I will tell my entire story to anyone who will listen. I shared my story with a lady 3 weeks after my diagnosis. She called me 2 weeks after my mastectomy to tell me she listened to every word I told her. She did exactly what I suggested to her and her left breast was in fact stage 4 that was revealed by a core biopsy. She had her double mastectomy 5 weeks after I had mine and I am happy to report, she is going to be fine. She will finish chemo soon and start the reconstruction process. She and I are forever friends! She originally came into my sales office to buy a house from me and she says instead, I gave her a second chance at life. That’s an immeasurable compliment. I am truly grateful for the ride regardless of the circumstances. Before this process, I only appeared to be this beautiful, confident woman. I have truly come through it knowing I am for the first time in my 36 years.
 |
| Me with my daughters Heaven and Gabby 4 weeks after my double matectomy with tissue expanders in place.December 2009 |
 |
| Me with Diane. She took me into her home and became my nurse 24/7. |
Within a matter of 4 days, I went from “come back in 3 to 4 months” to we need to schedule a radical double mastectomy within the next few weeks. I live over 1200 miles from all of my family. I am a single mom working in sales who had just gone through a divorce. How was I going to get through this and work and raise my girls? It was never easy. If I’m to be totally honest, it was aweful. During my ordeal, I went from 128 lbs down to 92 lbs. I was in and out of the doctor’s offices 4 days a week due to my INR levels being all over the place, had infections from the tissue expanders, my skin looked grey, my voice was weak yet still I went to work and put my best foot forward. There were many mornings I would show up for our sales meetings after spending the night in the ER. I must also mention here, it is no fun sleeping in the sitting up position for 5 months! Someone told me just the other day; I made it look so easy. I only made it seem easy because I have daughters, 10 and 15 , who watched my every move and felt my every thought even when I didn’t want to be seen by anyone in the world. I didn’t want them to ever feel “defined” by cancer let alone breast cancer.
The 4 days prior to October 22, 2009 I went in for a mammogram because I felt a lump in my left breast. The mammogram revealed nothing. I also had several ultrasounds that same day and they still couldn’t get the mass to show up. I found out later it was because of where the tumor sat. I also found out if I would have waited 3 to 4 months, my prognosis wouldn’t have been good. The machines were pushing it out of the way. December 1, 2009, I had a double radical mastectomy. Mentally, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I had many days leading up to the surgery and the first few days after surgery where I prayed and asked God to please just let me die. That all changed for me on December 7th. I was readmitted to the hospital with PE’s in my lungs and I learned that day I wasn’t ready to die and I remember laying in the hospital bed feeling like I was in the fight for my life. That day was a wakeup call for me. I needed the wake up call. I would look in the mirror and cry because I didn’t recognize the girl looking back anymore. It was in that moment that I realized it is whatever it takes to live and raise my girls and I was thankful that I didn’t have to go through chemo. It was in that moment that I realized I am still a vibrant beautiful woman who just happens to be missing her breasts in order to live. I quit feeling sorry for myself that day. The months following were hard on me physically and at times, mentally. I lost a relationship due to the circumstances. The only thing that did for me was give me strength in the end. I gained a few new friendships and relationships during my process that have strengthened my heart giving me the power to push through the days that are bad.
I am 5 weeks post op from surgery #2. Implants. Implants without eyes ;-) I am still healing physically and emotionally. I started working out and training again 2 weeks ago. The biggest lesson for that original doctor was, I didn’t look sick but I was. I will never question my intuition ever again. And I will tell my entire story to anyone who will listen. I shared my story with a lady 3 weeks after my diagnosis. She called me 2 weeks after my mastectomy to tell me she listened to every word I told her. She did exactly what I suggested to her and her left breast was in fact stage 4 that was revealed by a core biopsy. She had her double mastectomy 5 weeks after I had mine and I am happy to report, she is going to be fine. She will finish chemo soon and start the reconstruction process. She and I are forever friends! She originally came into my sales office to buy a house from me and she says instead, I gave her a second chance at life. That’s an immeasurable compliment. I am truly grateful for the ride regardless of the circumstances. Before this process, I only appeared to be this beautiful, confident woman. I have truly come through it knowing I am for the first time in my 36 years.
